


My friends have always been the best of me.

by lesbians_and_puns



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: (I mean. As happy as we can get post-Rebels with this set of characters. But they ARE happy), (and blaming herself because she walked away from the Order), (mostly—just diverges in the timeline in Sabine's epilogue narration), (she and Ahsoka try to find Ezra immediately & succeed in a year pre-Battle of Yavin), Ahsoka Tano Gets a Hug, Ahsoka Tano Needs a Hug, Angst with a Happy Ending, BUT at its heart this is a very sweet (and even sometimes funny!) fic I promise, Canon Compliant, Ezra Bridger Gets a Hug, Ezra Bridger Needs a Hug, Force Bond (Star Wars), Gen, NOT Ezra/Ahsoka, Post-Star Wars: Rebels, also Ahsoka knows Luke exists but they don't interact so it doesn't affect Main Canon™ at all, and a bit of Ezra doing the same with losing Kanan, basically just Ahsoka working through her survivor's guilt over losing Anakin, but they kind of provide it for each other here, def focused on Ahsoka's trauma though, it's a little angsty just bc what happened between Anakin & Ahsoka is so fucking tragic y'all, very much a mentor/mentee (but becoming friends) dynamic, what our kids really need is THERAPY
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 13:14:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29261055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbians_and_puns/pseuds/lesbians_and_puns
Summary: Sabine and Ahsoka found Ezra within a year of the Battle of Lothal after scouring the galaxy for him. On a mission together for the Rebellion, Ahsoka tells Ezra that she thinks she knows the identity of the heroic pilot from the Battle of Yavin, and their conversation ultimately leads to Ezra helping Ahsoka process her survivor's guilt about losing Anakin to the Dark Side.“Sometimes the best thing we can do for someone else is just be there,” Ahsoka said quietly, and Ezra nodded. He had a feeling she wasn't really talking about him, though, and something clicked in his mind.“You feel guilty about leaving the Order.”Ahsoka was quiet. A minute passed, then two.“I feel…” she started, then trailed off, biting her lip. Ezra glanced over at her and felt his heart clench at the few tears tracking their way slowly down her cheek. He sat very still, waiting for her to continue. “I don’t feel guilty about leaving the Order. I do feel guilty about… leaving Anakin.”  She fought back a small sob. “Sometimes I think that’s when it started.”
Relationships: Anakin Skywalker & Ahsoka Tano (mentioned), Ezra Bridger & Ahsoka Tano, Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker (mentioned)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 40





	My friends have always been the best of me.

“… and we need you to transport Senator Mothma off-planet. Stealthily.” 

Ezra yawned as he wandered onto the bridge. “Sabine, hey.” 

“Ezra!” Sabine exclaimed. Her holo turned toward him and she grinned. “Thought maybe you disappeared on me again.” 

“No, he just likes to sleep in,” Ahsoka said, clearly trying to sound exasperated, but her fondness was evident in the way she smiled at him. 

“Hey, we almost die, like, every other day,” Ezra protested. “I’ve gotta get my sleep in when I can.” 

“Sure, Ezra,” Sabine said, the corners of her mouth twitching up in amusement. She turned back toward Ahsoka. “Anyway, we’ll send you coordinates when we have them. Won’t be at least for another rotation, so Ezra has some more time for his beauty sleep.” 

“Mm, he needs it,” Ahsoka agreed.

Ezra's jaw dropped in mock outrage. “Hey! I don’t need any beauty sleep,” he protested, and Sabine nodded thoughtfully. 

“No, he’s right, Ahsoka,” she said. “It wouldn’t even help him anyway.” 

Ezra looked between Ahsoka and Sabine’s holo. “I don’t like how close you two got over the past year,” he said, and Sabine rolled her eyes. 

“Yeah, the year we spent scouring the known galaxy trying to find you? _So_ sorry about that.” 

“Not sure it was worth it,” Ezra muttered, and Sabine scowled at him. He flashed a smile at her. _Good thing she's not here to smack me._

“Ahsoka, can you smack him for me, please?” Ezra took an immediate step away from Ahsoka, who just shook her head.

“Okay, you two,” Ahsoka said. “Sabine, is that all for now?” 

“Besides you smacking Ezra? Yeah, that’s it.” 

Ahsoka chuckled. “Okay. We’ll let you go. Check back in with us before the next rotation if you can.” 

“Will do,” Sabine said. “See you around. Ahsoka. Jabba.” She nodded at them both, gave a little wave, and her holo flickered out. 

Ahsoka raised an eyebrow toward Ezra. “Jabba?"

Ezra grimaced. “It used to be one of my code names, but I’m pretty sure she just used it to call me ugly.” 

“I see,” Ahsoka said, nodding. “I do appreciate a clever insult.” 

“So glad you appreciate it,” Ezra muttered, and Ahsoka just smiled at him. 

“Come on. Let’s brush up on everything we know about the Empire’s current positioning.” 

* * *

“I still don’t know how we’re going to win this,” Ezra said, pushing one of the charts to the side. He slumped a little against his chair. “We will. I know that. Because we have to. But I don’t… I have no idea how.” 

“Yavin was a turning point,” Ahsoka replied. “Other systems will see what happened. It’ll be a symbol. Like Lothal was.” 

“There are just _so many_ of them. They had a– a _Death Star_ ,” he said, his tone making the air quotes clear, “and we didn’t even _know_.” 

Ahsoka sighed. “I know,” she said. “I know. And I’m sure they have some other horrifying thing in the works. They always do. But we have to have faith.” 

“I know I’m not supposed to say this, as a Jedi, but faith is in increasingly short supply.” 

“You know, Ezra, some systems are starting to call it the _Miracle_ of Yavin. You might consider taking a page out of their book.” 

“Okay, okay, point taken,” Ezra said. “I do want to meet this incredible pilot at some point. Though I bet he couldn’t hold a candle to Hera.” 

“Yes,” Ahsoka said, somewhat absentmindedly, and Ezra frowned at her. _That’s suspicious._

“What do you know that you’re not telling me?” 

“What? What do you mean?” 

_Well, that's even_ more _suspicious._ Ezra sighed. “You're really not gonna let me in on this?” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Ahsoka insisted, and Ezra threw his hands up in surrender. 

“Okay, fine,” he said. He leaned back and watched Ahsoka study the star map in front of her. Once she was sufficiently preoccupied, he waved a hand at her and used his most confident voice. “You _will_ tell me who this kid is.” 

Ahsoka stared at him. “Did you seriously just try to _Jedi mind-trick_ me?” 

“I wanted to make you laugh, and you did, so I think it was a success.” 

“You are something else, Ezra Bridger,” Ahsoka said, and Ezra beamed at her. 

“I’ll take that as a compliment.” 

“You do that,” Ahsoka said archly, but her eyes were crinkled in amusement. They both turned their attention back toward the charts, but after a minute, Ahsoka spoke again. “They say he has the Force. That he’s unusually strong with it.” 

“Wait, the pilot?” Ezra asked, surprised, and Ahsoka nodded. “Did we… Did we know this already?” 

Ahsoka was quiet for a while again. “I visited Tatooine a few years ago. Four or five, maybe.” 

“Okay...?"

“I was trying to sort through my– my attachment to my master. To let go. I couldn’t figure out why I was having so much trouble. I guess we know now,” she said, and Ezra winced a bit in sympathy. Ahsoka cleared her throat and kept talking. “So I went to Tatooine. I thought maybe if I saw where it started, it would help me accept that it ended. And I guess part of me wondered if maybe he'd survived the Purge and gone back to Tatooine to hide. I figured it was a long shot—he always _hated_ sand, and Tatooine itself—but I was searching for him in the Force anyway. But instead, I found…”

“Obi-Wan,” Ezra breathed, and Ahsoka nodded.

“When I felt him, I thought I was hallucinating. And his Force signature was really muted, like he was trying to shield it. But I tugged on the connection anyway, and I felt so much surprise at the other end I knew it was real. He put shields up immediately, and I think he probably didn't want to be found, but I tracked him down anyway.” She grew quiet again, and Ezra waited a minute before prompting her gently. 

“What does Obi-Wan have to do with the pilot?” 

Ahsoka shook her head as if to clear it. “When I found him, I asked him why he was on Tatooine. I knew why he’d gone into hiding—we all had, it would’ve been suicide not to—but I couldn’t figure out why he would have chosen Tatooine. He gave me all of these reasons, but no one of them made any sense, and I was searching the Force for clues when I felt another Force signature. I almost didn't recognize it as such, because it felt... incomplete, like the person wasn’t even aware of their connection to the Force. But when I examined it, the signature felt familiar. Like an echo.” 

“And that was the pilot?” Ezra asked, trying to connect the pieces in his head. 

“Yes.” 

“So… Why did he feel familiar?” 

Ahsoka took a deep breath. “Because he’s my master’s son.” 

“His _son_?”

Ahsoka grimaced. “Yes. I was shocked, to say the least. And I immediately knew that’s why Obi-Wan was there, to watch over him. When I told him what I’d felt, he confirmed it, but the more questions I asked, the cagier he became. I thought he was just being evasive because me having that knowledge might put An– my master’s son in danger, so I left. I figured that was probably why it didn't feel like he was gone, so I'd gotten the answers I'd come to Tatooine for.” 

“But you think he was being evasive for another reason?” 

Ahsoka looked down at the chart in front of her, traced some of the lines. “I think maybe he knew. About… About Darth Vader. And who he was. And I think he was trying to protect me. Thought it would be better if I never found out, never had to deal with that pain.” 

Ezra felt his heart ache a bit as he saw the sadness in Ahsoka’s eyes. He didn’t want to make her keep talking about it if she didn’t want to, so he racked his brain for something to divert the conversation, even if only slightly. He said the first thing that came to mind, realizing only halfway through that it was perhaps not the most… polite question to have asked. 

“So… Who did he have a son with?"

Ahsoka sighed, looking a little lost in thought. “A Senator for the Galactic Republic.” 

"A Senator?"

"Yes," Ahsoka said. "They were in love. Apparently."

“I thought Jedi couldn’t have, er, attachments?” 

Ahsoka snorted. “They can’t.” 

“So how did he…?”

“They kept it a secret,” Ahsoka answered. Her fingers tapped an uncertain rhythm on the closest star map. "He never told me. Us. He never told anyone. I mean, I think we all had our suspicions, but no one suspected it was as serious as it was. Obi-Wan and I used to joke sometimes about them making out in supply closets, but I never would have dreamed they were _married_.” 

“Married?” Ezra asked disbelievingly, and Ahsoka nodded. “Then who… Where’s his wife?” 

Ahsoka swallowed. “She died in childbirth.” 

Her face was tight, and Ezra paused before quietly asking, “You knew her?” 

“Yes.” 

Ezra looked down at the table. Ahsoka’s tone made it sound like she wasn’t planning on saying anything else, and he felt a wave of guilt he tried to wrestle down before Ahsoka could notice. 

“You shouldn’t feel bad about asking,” Ahsoka said, and Ezra frowned. _So much for that._ “You can ask, I just–” She adjusted in her seat, looking uncharacteristically fidgety. “I haven’t talked about Padmé in… a really long time.” 

“Padmé?” 

“Yes,” Ahsoka nodded. “She was an incredible woman. An amazing Senator. Just as compassionate and driven to help as An- as her husband. Smarter than him, too,” she added with a smirk. “And deliberate where he was impulsive. They were a good team.” 

“So you knew her well, then?” 

Ahsoka sighed again. “Not as well as I would have liked to. I admired her, and she mentored me, but I was… I left the Order when I was still young enough that we were never really friends the way I wished we would be.” 

“I’m sorry,” Ezra said awkwardly, and one of Ahsoka’s shoulders jerked up in a tight shrug. 

“Things never really work out the way we plan, I guess,” she said, and Ezra nodded, his heart twisting a bit. _They really, really don’t._ Ahsoka gave him a gentle smile. “You know, she was the first person I ever had a Force vision about.” 

“Wait, really?” Ezra asked, surprised. “What was the vision?” 

“She was going to be assassinated,” Ahsoka answered. She laughed at his startled expression. “We were no strangers to war even then, Ezra,” she said wryly. 

“You saved her, though?” 

“Yes, though barely,” she said, exhaling slowly. “An– my master wasn’t there and I think maybe... I knew enough about his feelings for Padmé that I was terrified of messing up and letting him down. Which, in retrospect, made the visions blurrier than they should have been. Because of my attachment to Padmé, and my attachment to him. They made me too scared to lose her.” 

It was Ezra’s turn to fidget, and Ahsoka gave him a questioning look. 

“Is attachment _always_ a path to the Dark Side?” he asked. Ahsoka looked surprised at the question, but inclined her head thoughtfully and studied him. 

“Are you asking for yourself or someone else?” 

“I just… Kanan, he and Hera…”

“They were in love, and you’re worried about what that meant about Kanan?” 

Ezra nodded, then shook his head. “I’m not–” He let out a frustrated breath. “I know Kanan. And I know he _never_ would have gone to the Dark Side. Because he saved me from it. But if the Jedi… and if Vader…”

“The Jedi weren’t perfect, Ezra,” Ahsoka said, a little sharply. Ezra remembered the Sith temple on Malachor, how she had growled “I am no Jedi” before igniting her sabers. 

“Ahsoka, you don’t… You don’t have to tell me this, and I’m sorry if I shouldn’t bring it up. But… Why did you leave the Order? Kanan never told me.” 

Ahsoka’s eyes closed briefly. “I was framed for blowing up part of the Jedi temple on Coruscant, and they were about to convict me and sentence me to death for treason when my master showed up with the real culprit and her confession.” She said it all in one breath, and Ezra’s eyebrows crept up higher with every word. _Kanan said it was bad, but he never said it was_ that _bad._

“They believed a _Jedi_ would bomb the _temple_?” 

Ahsoka smiled briefly, but it didn’t meet her eyes. “That was my reaction. They were right, though, in their defense. It was a Jedi.” 

Ezra’s mind reeled. “What Jedi would ever do something like that?” 

“A friend,” Ahsoka answered simply, and Ezra’s eyebrows shot up even higher. 

“Was she the one who framed you?” 

“Yes.” 

“Some friend,” Ezra muttered. Ahsoka chuckled a bit, and Ezra shot her a look. 

“I didn’t say she was a _good_ friend,” she pointed out. Ezra couldn’t stop himself from rolling his eyes, and Ahsoka laughed softly. “I’ve had a long time to come to terms with it, Ezra,” she said. “I don’t think Barriss was even wrong about the point she was trying to make, although I didn’t understand at the time, and I certainly don’t approve of her methods. And I’m not sure I’ll ever really forgive her for framing me, no matter how much I meditate on it. But all of that was just… overshadowed, by everything else.” 

“Meaning the way the Jedi handled it?” 

“Yes, definitely that,” Ahsoka nodded. “I felt betrayed, even though I think it was less personal than it felt at the time. But I’d spent my whole life with the Order, devoted everything to it, believed in it. And when I really needed them, they weren’t there.” 

“That’s awful,” Ezra said, and Ahsoka gave him a tight smile.

“It’s over, at least.” 

Ezra paused and looked at her, the way her shoulders were hunched up, noticed how the Force around her felt constricted and heavy. “… Is it?” 

Ahsoka’s shoulders tightened a little more, and she took a long, slow breath and exhaled it just as slowly. “That part is.” 

“And… the other part?” Ezra asked carefully. He felt very, very out of his depth. Ahsoka was wise, and capable, and… _Ahsoka_ , and he was just a Padawan. 

“You know, I technically never progressed past Padawan either,” Ahsoka said lightly, and Ezra jumped a bit. _Force_. 

“Kriff, sorry,” he apologized. “Did I really think that out... loud?” He made a face at his phrasing, but Ahsoka seemed to find it amusing. 

“Yes, you did think it _out loud_ ,” she said, the corners of her mouth twitching. 

“Sorry,” he mumbled again. He was glad to see some of the tension had left her shoulders, though. “I just don’t really know what to do. Or say.” 

“Sometimes the best thing we can do for someone else is just be there,” Ahsoka said quietly, and Ezra nodded. He had a feeling she wasn't really talking about him, though, and something clicked in his mind.

“You feel guilty about leaving the Order.” 

Ahsoka was quiet. A minute passed, then two. 

“I feel…” she started, then trailed off, biting her lip. Ezra glanced over at her and felt his heart clench at the few tears tracking their way slowly down her cheek. He sat very still, waiting for her to continue. “I don’t feel guilty about leaving the Order. I do feel guilty about… leaving Anakin.” She fought back a small sob. “Sometimes I think that’s when it started.”

“Anakin's fall?” 

“Yes,” Ahsoka said, and brought her hands up to her face, pressing her palms against her eyes as the tears started falling faster. Ezra watched with wide eyes, searching desperately for something to say. 

“Ahsoka, I…” He trailed off and pressed his lips in a thin line. "You know it's not your fault, right?"

"... Yeah, I know."

Ezra frowned at her. "Do you? Because everything about the Force around you says that's not true."

Ahsoka sighed. "Knowing something and feeling something are two different things."

Well, Ezra could understand that. He hated seeing her like this, though, so he closed his eyes briefly and breathed in and out, slow and deliberate. Once he felt centered enough, he willed his mind to approach hers. "Let me help."

“Ezra, _no_ ,” she said, and he opened his eyes to see her hands falling from her face as she stared at him, alarmed. He felt her slam extra shields up against his mind and exhaled a quick, frustrated breath. 

“Ahsoka, you’re _hurting_ ,” he said, trying to sound a little less desperate than he felt. “Please. Kanan always said we weren’t made to bear things alone.” 

“Because he was your master, and he was helping _you_ ,” she said sharply. “You’re too young for this.” 

“I'm older than you were,” Ezra argued, and Ahsoka glared at him, lowering her shields just enough to let a little anger bleed through into the Force around them. Ezra pushed ahead anyway. “You were only like sixteen, right? I’m _twenty_.” 

“I was seventeen,” Ahsoka corrected, and this time she wasn’t amused by his eyeroll. “Ezra. I _never_ should have gone through what I did, especially not so young. I am not inflicting it on you!” 

“I _asked!_ ” 

“And I’m saying no!” 

They scowled at each other from across the table. Ezra was determined to wait her out, but after the seconds stretched into long minutes, he gave up. _Kriff, she’s even more stubborn than I am._ “Fine,” he said, rubbing his face in his hands. “Fine. I’m not going to force you to open up to me. Just answer one question.” Ahsoka arched an eyebrow toward him, so he continued. “Have you ever let anyone feel that pain in the twenty years since you lost him? Or the however-many-years since you figured out who he is?” Ahsoka stayed silent, but a few tears resurfaced in her eyes. He sighed a little. “Then you get my point.”

He pushed his chair back from the table and stood up, turning to leave, but Ahsoka’s hand shot out and caught his wrist. “Wait,” she said, and he looked back toward her. “I’m not…” She trailed off, then took a deep breath and shifted her grip from his wrist to his hand. “Thank you. For asking. Even though I said no.” 

“You’re welcome,” Ezra said quietly. There was silence for a few beats, then Ezra sighed. “I don’t know if you’re a hugger, but if you are… Can I hug you?” 

Ahsoka laughed a little wetly. “Yes,” she said, standing up, and pulled him toward her. He wrapped his arms around her and felt her do the same to him. They stood there for a minute, feeling their breaths slow down until they were both breathing deeply and in sync, then Ahsoka stepped back and took another deep breath. “Thank you,” she said again, and Ezra shook his head. 

“I think I needed that just as much, trust me,” he said, and Ahsoka gave him a grateful, though tired, smile. “Just… Know that I’m here. If you do ever want to share.” 

“I know.” 

“Okay.” Ezra took another steadying breath, then gestured behind him. “I’m going back to my bunk. Yell if you need anything.” 

“Will do, Ezra,” Ahsoka said, and he nodded and pressed the button for the door. He looked back behind him and felt his heart clench as Ahsoka slumped a little in her chair, her hands moving up to cover her face, but he could tell she needed space. _And honestly, so do I._

* * *

Ezra was deep in meditation when there was a gentle knock on his door. “Come in,” he called, and it slid open to reveal Ahsoka. There was an expression on her face that he couldn’t quite read, and he carefully studied the Force around her. It didn't feel very different than normal, so he just asked. “Are you okay?”

Ahsoka gestured toward his bunk. “Can we sit?” 

Ezra nodded, and they both sat down on his bunk. She was sitting cross-legged, and he shifted to mirror her. _Are we… meditating?_ Ahsoka took a deep breath and closed her eyes, so he focused on his breath—in, out; in, out—and slipped back into his meditative state with relative ease. A minute or two passed, and then he felt a gentle nudge on his shields. He opened his eyes, startled, and looked at Ahsoka. Her eyes opened as well, and she gave him a soft smile before closing them again. After a second, he did the same. This time, the nudge on his shields was almost instantaneous, and he let them down without hesitation. He felt Ahsoka’s presence flow into his: calm, contentment, the quietude he always associated with her. 

_Are you sure?_ Ahsoka’s voice in his head was as clear as if they were speaking, and he nodded firmly although she couldn’t see him. _I’m sure._ He could hear Ahsoka take a deep breath, and then she lowered her remaining shields. 

Pain flooded his mind. It was so raw, the agony so visceral, that he physically flinched; he knew Ahsoka could feel it, and sent her a barrage of reassurances so she wouldn’t put her shields back up. He tried to maintain his steady breathing as the pain took the shape of memories, shifting and changing so fast he struggled to keep up. 

~~~ 

_Ahsoka, young, insecure. Anakin—though his face was distorted, glitching into Darth Vader’s mask a few times a second—looking at her. “Ahsoka. A very wise Jedi once said: nothing happens by accident. It is the will of the Force that you are at my side.” Taking heart in his assuredness. Finding hope in his confidence._

_The Sith temple on Malachor. Pain so sharp she wasn’t sure how she was still standing. “We need not be adversaries.” And then… Her name. In her master’s voice. Hope so reckless she tried to shove it down, and desperation so strong it rose in her anyway. A promise (an apology). “I won’t leave you. Not this time.”_

_Her mind reeling, sitting up, someone's face—could that really be Ezra?—swimming into focus. Overwhelming emotions: confusion, relief, pain at the way Ezra's looking at her like he's seeing a ghost. At the way his face falls when she mentions Kanan. Feeling her heart twist as she begs him not to pull Kanan out of the portal. “You can’t save your master, and I can’t save mine.” Jumping through the portal back into the Sith temple anyway._

~~~ 

_Youth again. A steady hand on her shoulder. “You never would’ve made it as Obi-Wan’s Padawan, but you might make it as mine.” An easy grin. Relief flooding through her: she would be okay, because Anakin was her master. She'd just have to prove she deserved him._

_Panic. Terror. Air thick with tension and humidity. Snarling Trandoshans. Learning the ropes from Younglings (oh, god, Younglings) who had banded together. “We are not saviors here. Here, we are survivors.” Nausea, crawling up her throat and down her spine. Leaving someone who needed help (not the Jedi way). “Because of you, I did survive. And not only that, I was able to lead others to survive as well.” Anakin looking at her with newfound respect. His hand on her shoulder as he started to really see her._

 _Feeling old beyond her years, head bent forward with the weight of the Jedi temple at her back. Her master's anguished voice. “Ahsoka, wait! Why… are you doing this?” Hearing the unspoken "to me" at the end of his sentence. His wide eyes, confused, looking like a kicked puppy. Trying to find it in herself to push him away. “I have to sort this out on my own. Without the Council… and without you.” His face, screwed up in pain. Words spoken with too much weight. “I understand. More than you realize, I understand wanting to walk away from the Order.” Walking away from him anyway. "I know." Then a wave of regret, deep regret, regret you could drown in._

~~~ 

_Long lekku, tall montrals, her own face staring back at her. Is she hallucinating? Is this real? Her future self gives her a warning. “There is a wildness to you, young one. Seeds of the Dark Side planted by your master. Do you feel it?” Righteous fury building in her chest. Knowing her master's flaws, choosing to stand by him anyway. “He is like no other Jedi! Passionate, impulsive… but I trust him with my life!”_

_Her voice, angry, desperate, echoing down dark tunnels. Yelling "I'm not guilty!" Anakin, pleading with her to trust him, to come back with him. His eyes, so full of pain, so sincere. His promise. “I would never let anyone hurt you, Ahsoka, **never!** ” _

_The Sith temple again. Her master’s face behind a shattered mask. His voice around her name. Staring into a yellow eye as she promises not to leave him. A moment stretching into eternity, the Force as tight as a shatterpoint. “Then you will die.” It breaks._

* * *

Ezra didn’t even realize he was shaking until Ahsoka put a comforting hand on his shoulder. Tears slid slowly down her face, and he dimly recognized that his own face was wet as well. He swallowed hard. “Ahsoka, I…”

“You don’t need to say anything, Ezra,” Ahsoka said gently. “I just… You wanted to know, and I didn’t want to shut you out.” 

“How do you do it?” Ezra asked, his throat tight, and Ahsoka gave a tired laugh, wiping at her eyes. 

“I’ve always been good at rallying when people need me. And nowadays, someone always needs me.” 

“That’s a hard way to live a life.” 

Ahsoka nudged him with her shoulder. “Are you really going to tell me you’re any different, Ezra Bridger?” 

“Yeah, I guess you’ve got me there,” Ezra said. He heaved a deep sigh. “I actually…” He swallowed hard, trying to stop the tears from starting again. “I see Kanan die in my dreams. I used to see it from on the gunship. But I realized, after the World Between Worlds, I only ever see it from the portal. And some of it's cut off by my hand stretched out toward him. So I guess… I haven’t really gotten over it either.”

Ahsoka looked at him, her eyes full of sympathy. "You did the right thing. Honoring his sacrifice."

"Yeah," Ezra said. "But another way to say that is I could have saved him. And I chose not to."

"The only person who would say that is you."

"Mmm." Ezra shifted uncomfortably, then looked at Ahsoka. "And you were just a kid."

Ahsoka met his eyes briefly before glancing away. "I was. But this isn't— it's not like you and Kanan. I wasn't honoring Anakin by walking away from him. I was just... Selfish." She screwed up her eyes, her jaw trembling. "I was so _selfish_."

"You were a kid. And you were doing what you needed to do."

"I knew he needed me. I knew how hard it was for him to tell me that he'd thought about leaving the Order. And I didn't even turn around. I just said I knew and kept walking."

Ezra looked at her carefully. "Ahsoka, why do you think he fell?"

"What?" she asked, glancing over at him with a furrowed brow. "I don't know. It's not like he ever _told_ me, Ezra."

"I know," Ezra said quickly. "I'm just saying— I mean, do you really think he was so close to the Dark Side that you not turning around was enough to make him fall?"

Ahsoka was quiet for a minute. "No, I don't," she said finally.

Ezra shrugged a little helplessly. "So why are you doing this to yourself?"

"I guess maybe I—" Her words caught in her throat as she started crying again. "Maybe part of me wants it to have been."

"Why would you want that?" Ezra asked gently, trying to make clear in his tone that he wasn't judging her.

Ahsoka closed her eyes against the tears that started to spill faster down her cheeks. "Because if it was my fault, maybe I could fix it."

"Oh, _Ahsoka_ ," Ezra breathed. He stared at her shaking shoulders and felt helpless. He took a deep breath and nudged her shoulder gently. When she opened her eyes, he offered his hand. She took it gratefully and squeezed, tight. Ezra closed his eyes. _Let me help_ , he thought at her, and after a beat, she did. Her jumbled emotions flowed back toward him, the hope-against-hope she'd felt when he'd said her name on Malachor, the wide-eyed way she'd breathed _Anakin_. The way her heart clenched when she thought she might see her master again. The way she'd searched his face, only to watch it harden into something not his own as his eye narrowed, the yellow glinting sickly as his red blade ignited. The feeling of being so _close, so **close**..._

Ezra let her grief wash over him, and he knew from the way her hand tightened in his own that she could feel his grief for her. They sat there, leaning on each other, until their breaths slowed and their tears dried on their cheeks. Ahsoka gave his hand another squeeze and then pulled away.

"I should go," she said quietly. Ezra nodded and watched as she rested her hands on her knees, then pushed herself to her feet. "I'm depriving you of your beauty sleep." 

Ezra rolled his eyes. "Oh, shut up," he grumbled, and she gave him a small smile. She walked across his room, pausing at the door. 

“Ezra?” She waited until he made eye contact. “Thank you.” 

He smiled at her tiredly. “Saving each other is what the Rebellion’s all about, right?” 

“Right,” she said, returning his smile. “Get some sleep.” She slipped out of his room and he sat up to do a light meditation exercise before he went to bed. After feeling the emotional turmoil that Ahsoka was constantly keeping in check, he took extra comfort in the steady rhythm of his breathing. _In, out. In, out. In, out._

He must have meditated for a little longer than he'd realized, because his muscles felt a little stiff when he came back to himself. His internal tension was mostly gone, though, and he supposed that was as good as he was going to get tonight. He stretched and readjusted into a sleeping position, closing his eyes. Before he could fall asleep, he reached out for Ahsoka—their connection felt brighter, somehow? easier to find—and sent a few waves of gratitude toward her. He felt her return them, then push another sensation his way, a snapshot of her mental state. Ahsoka had always felt very centered in the Force, had always been a comfortable presence there, but it was different now. Infused with a quiet warmth that he hadn’t felt before. _Thank you,_ she said in his mind, and he smiled. He thought about the mural of the Spectres on Lothal and pushed that image and its feeling— _family_ —toward her. 

_Welcome home._


End file.
